Growth Comes From Self-Reflection, Not Blame-Shifting

When I was in middle school, one of my teachers had a habit of returning graded exam papers and asking us to verify the total marks. What unfolded in class was always predictable. The overachievers would flock around the teacher, using this opportunity not just to double-check the math but to bargain for extra marks. For them, every fraction of a point mattered—it reinforced their identity as high performers. On the other hand, those labeled “average” or “weak” would quietly stash their papers away, uninterested in even verifying their marks, as if their grades were inevitable and unchangeable. These distinct behaviors reflected how we all live by self-imposed narratives.

Today, I met a student deeply upset over receiving a "B" in a college class, a deviation from her otherwise perfect academic record. She passionately explained how she had excelled in quizzes and assignments, yet her grade fell short due to the professor's emphasis on class participation—a criterion she hadn’t prioritized. The situation escalated to her seeking help from her parents to draft a grievance letter to the Dean, questioning the professor’s judgment and defending her academic merit.

This interaction left me reflecting on an important question: What are we teaching our students—and ourselves—about the role of challenges in shaping success? Why are we misguiding our own kids just to confine them in a false narrative that is fueled by societal expectations and crazy definitions of success. This student saw herself as the perfect achiever, and her parents reinforced this belief, seeing the “low” grade as an attack on her brilliance. When we take our stories too seriously, we lose perspective, trading inner freedom for stress and frustration.

The “B” was not a failure—it was feedback. And feedback is a gift, even if it doesn’t come wrapped in the shiny bow of an “A.” Through calm questioning, I encouraged her to consider the professor’s learning outcomes and the value of participation—a skill she admitted to overlooking.

Here’s a message to parents. Parents should be guides, and not fixers. Shielding students from discomfort teaches resistance to accountability. Growth comes from self-reflection, not blame-shifting!

Helping students and families see this truth can transform frustration into growth.