Check out Dev Bhartia's activity essay (Dev was admitted to Stanford in 2009)

Here is Dev's activity short answer:

"The temptation to think and the passion to express attracts me to debating. Even, when I was too young to understand the essence of debating, I was mesmerized by speakers on the podium mainly for their conviction, vigor and diction. Speaking gives me a sense of freedom, and an opportunity to express myself. It gives me an outlet to connect and communicate with others and to understand and appreciate different perspectives on various issues. Debating is a passion which has altered the way I think. It has perhaps taught me the most important lesson of all, that listening is more important than speaking. Today I stand as President of the College Debating Society, yet even now I speak not to achieve but to fulfill, I speak not for compulsion but for passion, I speak not because I should but because I want."

Why did you choose to write on this topic?

I chose it because it was the most defining part of my high school life. Moreover, it was my passion and something I was very interested in.

Which other activities did you do while in High School that you could have written about?

I was involved in playing tennis, and in mock UN events. I even touched into social service activities.

Which parts of the short answer do you like?

I like the ending the most. It sounds nice, and is very true. I believe it provides the punch in the article.

Looking back how would write this differently?

I feel I could have made it a bit shorter. The sentences could have been more crisp.

Which parts would you change?

I would remove the line 'debating has altered the way I think.'

Shruti's activity essay analysis and the risky business of writing about writing

Shruti Dusaj (Georgetown U ‘11) had submitted the following activity short answer as part of her CommonApp:

"Writing, particularly for competitions, has most certainly been the most significant of my activities for me. Writing has been a passion for me since I was in junior school. Composing essays, stories or poetry for myriad competitions, several of them on themes I had never contemplated earlier, made me think each time I would sit down with my notebook, or as is more likely now, my word-processor. Having to write about means of resolving the farmers’ crisis in India, or the perpetual conflict between science and religion, or laws and their moral correctness, compelled me to deliberate carefully over each essay I wrote. I cannot feel satisfied with what I write unless I feel strongly about the issue; therefore I would attempt to understand the subject as well as I could, looking at it from different perspectives, before arriving at an independent viewpoint. Therefore, no matter how perplexing I may have found some of the topics, eventually each one, in its own way, was a learning experience for me."
Now read Shruti's comments about this short answer.
I remember I chose to write about writing (ha!) because I'd had the most tangible "achievements" in writing competitions until then, with some national-level awards and perhaps an international commendation or two. Other major activities I had been involved with in school included our UNESCO Club and Africa Club, and related exchange programs through those clubs. I didn't have many other substantive extracurriculars because I made the foolish choice of taking coaching for engineering entrance exams (one of my worst personal decisions). Had I actually structured my applications around my interest in international affairs, as I now believe I really should have to have a coherent application that fit well together, I would have highlighted my experiences with one of the clubs.
In case of this particular short answer, I think writing about writing is a very risky example unless each of the writing samples in the application also show stellar writing. I don't think my writing stood up to those lofty expectations. That said, I do like that this short answer moves away from just writing to telling the adcomms more about why I enjoyed writing and why it was meaningful to me. It begins to indicate key things like "independent ideas", "different perspectives", research, analysis, all of which are essential for a successful college career. However, this piece fails to SHOW how those important qualities were developed, it just TELLS the adcomms that they were, giving them no reason to actually believe my claims.

As for what I would change, if I were not changing the entire approach to my applications altogether: 1. I would write about something, possibly UNESCO Club, where it would be easier to SHOW the qualities mentioned above through a short narrative. Long/run-on sentences are still something I have trouble with (as is evident here), so I would make sure to tightly edit the short answer to make sure it said the most it could in the 150 words. There are also several awkward turns of phrase and wording issues that editing should have resolved. Phrases like "has most certainly been" are not only entirely superfluous but also too strong for what I was writing about. There're also loose threads that need to be tied up. I said "I cannot feel satisfied with what I write unless I feel strongly about the issue", but I didn't follow up with HOW just learning more about the issue would lead me to actually develop strong feelings about it. I think a strong editing eye was what this short essay most sorely lacked, in addition to the sense of coherency that my entire application lacked.

Arjun Chhabra (Cornell ‘14) reviews his CommonApp Activity short answer.

In the process of adding more posts to my blog, I had this brilliant idea - Why not share essays of successful students with current high school seniors and ask them to review their own writing samples (main essay, activity short answer, supplement questions) they had sent to colleges when they applied? This definitely makes my work less ;-)

Here is the first in the series. This is written by Arjun Chhabra (Cornell '14 School of Engineering). This was a review of the CommonApp activity short answer - the one where you have to choose one activity and elaborate in 150 words. Here is what Arjun Chhabra had written:

If I were to model persuasiveness as a mathematical function, it would be: P(x)=K(x)+D(x) where P(x) represents persuasiveness, K(x) represents knowledge and D(x) represents delivery. I feel as if debate has maximized (derivative=0) my ability to be persuasive. Through my research and analysis, I have developed the ability to critically analyze new information. I am skeptical of information published in magazines, journals or newspapers and therefore form my opinion based on the validity on information instead of random facts spewed out in various mediums. But, equally important, is the delivery of the speech. I have learned how to vary the pitch of my voice effectively as well as form a cohesive voice with my partner in order to be as persuasive as possible. In an effort to appeal to the majority of people, it is critical to combine both elements of the equation, and I know debate has helped me increase my ability to persuasuade.

To make this excercise more insightful I had asked students to reflect on the following questions about their essay and send me a quick note with their responses. Here are the questions and Arjun Chhabra's response:

Why did you choose to write on this topic?

I chose to write about debate because I felt that debate was an activity that I pursued which had the largest impact on me and the way I thought.

Which other activities did you do while in High School that you could have written about?

I could have potentially written about my fundraising efforts for a non profit in India or soccer, but the reason I decided not to was because I felt that strategically, writing about the impact of debate on my life could be effectively encapsulated within 150 words.

Which parts of the short answer do you like?

I like the way I was able to convey my aptitude for Math and Engineering (I applied to the school of engineering), with Debate. I think that the small aspects of the essay subtle mathematical concepts integrated within the essay were effective in telling the reader that although I have an interest mainly in engineering, my mind and thought process' are not limited to those fields.

Looking back how would write this differently?

For one, I would not be so careless with my spelling mistakes! On another note, I would try and impact the effects of debate towards my growth as a team player. In retrospect, talking about teamwork seems more effective than the part about "varying the pitch of my voice"

Which parts would you change?

As mentioned above, I would change the second half of my essay which deals with D(x) which is the delivery and how that aspect of debate had an impact on me.

Check out Nitin Sreedhar’s article on HT Horizon featuring two students I’ve worked with.

Nitin interviewed Elaisha Nandrajog (CMC ’10),  Pragya Krishna (Bryn Mawr ‘13)  and me to do research for this article on transitioning to life as a college student in the United States.

To read the full article go to

http://bit.ly/cRA6Ak

Read important tips from Shruti Dusaj (Georgetown ’11) on What Not to Do on College Application Essays

As a rising senior in college, I have come full-circle from where I was 4 years ago: while in 2006, I was writing essays for undergraduate college applications, in 2010 I am writing essays for graduate school admissions (though at least this time I started in June, not in DECEMBER; more on that later). I don’t usually have much trouble with writing – I’ve been known to turn out solid A 10+ page college papers in under 10 hours. However, when it comes to writing college application essays and personal statements, I freeze. Since I know I’m not alone in finding these very broad, open-ended and revealing essays excruciating to write, I thought I would share my tips on “What not to do”. There are a lot of things you CAN do, but there are some things you most definitely should not be doing:

1. Do NOT leave off starting your college application essays until November or December. If you’re still in 11th, a very good time to start would be the summer vacation before/during 12th grade. If you are in 12th and have to deal with the board monsters, your best bet would be to start NOW. Keep writing multiple rough drafts of the various essays; perhaps one at a time.

2. Do NOT be sloppy with how you handle your application essays.  Proofread them. Get other people to proofread them too. Don’t say Amherst in an essay you’re submitting to Williams!

3. Don't NOT work on the short essays. In fact, the shorter an essay, the more work it needs to say something substantive. I somehow altogether missed a 50 word essay for a certain school I’ve since fallen in love with and keep wondering “what if.”

4. Do NOT take the “Why X School” essays lightly: these can really show your serious interest in the school. Expect more on these in a later post.

5. Do NOT rehash your resume or achievements.

6. Do NOT resort to clichés like: “I learn from my mistakes”, “I will make a difference”, “make the world a better place” – unless you can turn the clichés on their heads.

7. Do NOT tell. SHOW. You’re unique as an applicant; that should show in how your essay. Do NOT merely string together statements and facts.

8. Do NOT be a negative nancy or run yourself down in the essay (no complaining, whining, excuses etc)

Check out Ratnika Prasad's (Cornell ‘14) take on writing her first essay.

The one where it all begins

Writing is hard. To someone like me from a CBSE background who was never involved in the school’s editorial board, the idea of producing about 10-12 ESSAYS (actual long pieces of writing not involving quoting a textbook) was much more daunting than giving the SATs.  But with time (LOTS of time) and an endless number of revisions, I managed to make it through the endless writing samples and have at least 7 essays today which I am extremely proud of. So here’s what I did and what I should have NOT done.

+⎫I started off with the Common App essay. I would strongly recommend this because it is the most general essay and you don’t have to worry about pleasing a certain college or answering a certain question. If you’ve reached the stage where you’re worrying about writing essays, you are bound to have some ideas floating about in your mind. Instead of refining them in your mind, try writing them down. You’ll end up rewriting about 10 times but by the end of it, you’ll have a definite sense of how the essay flows.

- I read a LOT of sample essays. Before you start writing, it’s a good idea to read some essays to get a sense of how they are written. But too many samples right before your first essay can make you feel really negative about your own writing. Read about 5 and then shut that essay sample book.

+ I changed the tone of my essay drastically. My essay centered on a loss I’d suffered. My first drafts were focused more on the loss but after revisions, the focus shifted to HOW I coped with that loss. I am glad I did this because in hindsight, it made my essay more of a reflection of my personal strengths.

- I spent WAY too much time polishing and perfecting my very first essay before starting with the others. Not only does that put you back on your essay writing schedule but also increases the stress load. A better idea is to move to writing other essays and then reading your Common App essay again. With more writing experience, you can better polish your previous essays.

+ I discovered the Word 2007 Review tab. To the more computer literate of you this might sound ludicrous but to the more illiterate ones like me, the Review tab is a godsend. Organizing drafts of your essay is EXTREMELY helpful and I cannot emphasize that enough. Save each successive draft and use the “track changes” button like it’s a free pass to an ice cream parlour. When you’re finally done, do make sure to view the essay once in “Final showing markup” to confirm that it’s clean.

Writing is like long distance running. It takes all your mental fortitude to convince yourself to get out and do it but by the time you’ve done a couple of rounds you’re on a roll. So grit yourself to get through this first one and believe me, essay writing will seem like a cinch after that. Happy writing!