Shruti’s personal essay and comments on why she thinks its so awful!

This personal statement helps adcomms become acquainted with you in ways different from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will demonstrate your ability to organize thoughts and express yourself. The are looking for an essay that will help them know you better as a person and as a student.

Shruti Dusaj (Georgetown) checked "Topic of your choice" for this essay and titled it "Words that Shaped Me"

Here's what she wrote:

Always the quiet, studious child, I remained content in the background as long as my grades remained perfect. I was afraid to look beyond textbooks because I feared that I would be unable to achieve success in any sphere other than academics.

In our tenth grade English textbook, there was a poem entitled ‘The Mirror’. This poem, which spoke of the insecurities of a woman losing of her youth, introduced me to Sylvia Plath. As I went on to read more of her work, I was captivated by Sylvia since I could see myself reflected in her- the insecurities, the image of perfection that hid a less than perfect interior. Often, I did not much like what I saw, but it intrigued me all the same. I found it peculiar that the seven decades separating our teenage years could not prevent the strange, almost preternatural, connection I felt to her personality.

Reading her prose collection, ‘Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams’, I had a ‘je ne sais quoi moment’ when I came across this note she wrote:

“Winning or losing an argument, receiving an acceptance or rejection, is no proof of the validity or value of personal identity. One maybe wrong, mistaken, a poor craftsman, or just ignorant- but this is no indicator of the true worth of one’s total human identity: past, present and future.”

Perhaps it is ironic that the talented young woman who wrote these sentences committed suicide. On the other hand, her discontent with life despite success as a poet may be a reflection of what she wrote here. Whichever it may have been for Sylvia, for me it was an indication that I should attempt to overcome my fear of failure. I realized I needed to let go of my inhibitions and allow myself to discover aspects of me that lay dormant. I resolved that even if I did not always succeed, the experience would at least teach me something about myself.

Not a sports enthusiast, I still decided to attend a rigorous week-long trekking camp in the Himalayas. Successfully climbing, literally, to great heights, gave me a sense of satisfaction much more fulfilling than achieving straight As. Besides, lying under the clear starry night-sky, or just sitting by the river, watching the water flow by, awakened me to some of the simple joys I had missed out on as a city girl.

I threw myself headfirst into other activities, such as conventions and exchanges. I discovered that not only could I think logically and analytically, I was also capable of holding the attention of an audience. I became surer of myself, allowing myself to express my opinions. I started reading prolifically- from classics to news magazines, to poetry. I fell in love, several times over- with Shelley’s poetry, Chomsky’s political critiques, Dostoevsky’s powerful stories, and Tolkien’s epic fantasies.

Sylvia’s words acted as catalyst to bring forth the passionate young girl that lay hidden inside me. They allowed me to discover aspects of me I did not know existed.

Shruti's comments:

Wow, this is just awful. The thing is, it’s getting at who I am, certainly, but in a very ineffective, perhaps even counterproductive way.

The first thought I had on re-reading this was “the clichés, oh heavens, the clichés!”  I think just getting rid of the clichés and contrite phrases would have helped this essay a great deal (clear starry nights, “awakened me”, “passionate”, “threw myself headfirst”). Besides, the entire personal growth premise of this essay is such a college application essay in itself, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with writing in that genre: I’ve read some very compelling personal statements about personal growth. I do like the slightly self-deprecating beginning, but I feel like it builds up to the point where I am just bragging about how much I have changed by saying that I have but not really building upon it.

It would’ve done this essay well to have gotten rid of Sylvia Plath – she really had nothing to do with my personal growth anyway – and focusing on me, and the factors that really led to my personal growth. However, I still know how hard that really is (cue, panic attacks as I am still trying to write grad school personal statements), but that just means I needed to put in a lot more work (hint: do not start on December 15 for December 30th deadlines).

I don’t really know what else to say about this essay other than I wish any of the people who helped me edit it had been more honest/brutal and told me to can it and start over (or that I’d at least gotten rid of the clichés).

Oh well, live and learn. Learn from my mistakes, classes of 2015 and beyond (proclaim I in my sagacious wisdom of many, many years)!

My comments:

Yeah, this essay fell right in the trap of trying too hard to include all people and things that inspired you or experiences that shaped you. The reader is left wishing that s/he got to know you better only through one shared experience (say, reading Slyvia Plath - a writer who influenced you). I guess you chose "topic of your choice" because you wanted to include all aspects of your "personal-brand" in one essay instead of using different parts of the application (activity short answers, supplement essays and your resume) in a strategic way to emphasis different aspects of your personality, strengths, and experiences.

Here's a side note, I met with Shruti when she had already submitted her applications and was wait-list at Princeton and Swarthmore. I must have pointed out the problem with her essay but I guess it was too late to change anything. We worked briefly to send out appeal letters to these schools. I must admit that I was impressed by her overall candidature back then and more so now. All the best with your Grad school applications Shruti. I am sure you’ll shine as a writer and I am glad this exercise of contributing to this blog is helping you sort good writing from bad.

Words to the wise about writing college application essays

Here is a link to an article by Jay Mathews a Washington Post columnist on writing college application essays, Read http://bit.ly/9PGLr9

Here is an extract I liked.

Write about something you care about, some quirk or habit or interest that defines you in ways not obvious from the rest of your application. One of my children wrote about his Little League coaching. One described her talent for identifying a song on the radio from the first few notes. One explained why he loved Howard Stern.

They found ways to use these themes, even the odd ones, to reveal a personal value that was important to them and, hopefully, impressive to admissions officers. I advised them to take one more step, the only original suggestion you will find in this essay. Reveal an endearing flaw, I said, some bit of self-deprecation that will convince the college that you would be a pleasant person to have around.

Is the essay about your love of chess? Describe the day you set your high school team's record for being checkmated. Are you writing about your effort to ride every bike trail in the state? Say how you felt when you got hopelessly lost in the woods and had to be guided to safety by a passing Cub Scout troop.

Five excuses for not writing your college essays

1. Writing personal essays for college admissions is difficult because I don’t know what admissions officers want to read? It’s not like academic writing I do in high school where I know what teachers expect. Can anyone tell me what admissions people want before I start writing.

2. I’ll wait for my older sister/brother in college to help me with writing? She/He’s going to be here this summer, I promise it’ll all be done in one night if I have her/him around.

3 I have writer’s block (whatever that means).

4. I don’t have anything interesting to write about. My life has been so normal.

5. I’ll apply to schools that don’t care about personal essays.

Take a break. Go have lunch or find something else to do before you sit down to write. Your creative genie will emerge for sure!

More about the genie. Did you know each one of us has this genie that fires up our imagination when we set out to do something that is important. I watched Elizabeth Gilbert speak on TED and I think you should too. Follow this link on YouTube http://bit.ly/yDEr

Personal essay revelations: Finding a topic - Life experience and person who influenced you.

I met with a student in Mumbai who was struggling to find a topic for her personal essay. We got talking about career goals and she mentioned that she always wanted to pursue medicine and become a pediatrician. This was influenced by her early childhood experience with ailments and a particular wind pipe surgery when she was 5 years old. Her grandfather is a doctor and she was enamored by his work. She recalled a conversation she had with him that was particularly important. Her grandfather dissuaded her to pursue medicine and look for other majors when she entered her junior year in school. This led to an inner conflict and she didn't know what to choose.

I liked the tension in her story and we discussed further. She was able to describe the conversation with her grandfather in great detail and that became the 'a-ha' moment I was looking for her personal essay. She too found it to be an interesting topic to write and promised to send me her first draft in 24 hours!

On writer's block

A fallen tree trunk blocks our path to Triund

While hiking to Triund (Himachal Pradesh) in 2010 I stopped and took this picture. A fallen and chipped tree trunk was blocking our path, almost begging to be restored to its glorious past, before it let us pass. At that moment I did not know that I’d end up posting this picture on my blog while writing about writer’s block- but what the heck, here I go.

This log forced me to do three things that every writer could do when stuck.

1. Stop briefly

2. Look around, pay attention and rely on your intuition to find the best path (the “path” could be the story-line, character development, dramatic incident and such that).

3. Keep moving

Here is a passage from Anne Lamott’s book Bird by Bird  that I pass at every writing workshop. Notice how Anne’s gentle persuasion pushes you to keep moving with hope.

"In the beginning, when you’re first starting out, there are million reasons not to write, to give up. That is why it is of extreme importance to make a commitment to finishing sections and stories, to driving through to finish. The discouraging voice will hound you- “This is all piffle,” they will say, and they may be right. What you are doing may just be practice. But this is how you are going to get better, and there is no point in practicing if you don’t finish.....Everything we need in order to tell our stories in a reasonable and exciting way already exists in each of us. Everything you need is in your head and memories, in all that your senses provide, in all that you’ve seen and thought and absorbed. There in your unconscious, where the real creation goes on..."

Now back to the log on my way to Triund. My then six-year old son noticed the white patches of hail accumulation below the log. You might see it if you look hard enough at this picture. He was happy that he could actually touch “snow”. I was relieved that folks in heaven had heard his wish. Hale to the lord almighty!

On writing college admissions essays

 

Sending out thoughtful writing samples for college admissions are important and helps differentiate you in the admissions process. Use this blog and learn how to develop your writing voice and write essays that make that difference.

You can also check out essays written by current college students. From time to time I’ll invite college students to share their thoughts on writing samples that they had sent out while they were in high school. The idea will be to learn from what these students wanted to convey through their writing, appreciate the lines that they loved, form linkages with their personal brand,  and laugh along when they shred their writing to pieces.

Your elevator pitch

If you were to have an accidental meeting with an admissions officer in the elevator what would you add to your conversation in those few seconds to make it memorable?

Post your comments.​

Shambhavi Singh (Harvard '12) shares thoughts on right-fit

1. How important do you consider rankings while evaluating schools? How have your perceptions changed about this now?

I did consider rankings while applying to colleges because if you look across the broad spectrum of college rankings you can get an idea of which colleges excel at what. Obviously they should not be the sole criteria of selection, but without visiting and living in the country, they are a good starting point.

2. Did the geographic location (NE, Mid West, West , South)  and setting (urban, rural, suburban, college town) of your college impact your overall assessment of your college experience? Did you think about this when applying? How did your perception change with time?

The setting has most definitely affected my college experience. I did consider it somewhat while applying but mostly assumed that I would be happy in any medium sized college. However, I realize now how important it is to me that Boston is such a thriving city and there is a public transportation system. Its great to be in a city with so many opportunities and Boston is very student friendly.

3. What was the average class size of your intro classes? Were you satisfied with this? In what way did this change your perception of your academic experience? What would you do differently?

Intro classes do tend to be big and at Harvard there are some that are 800 people. Obviously those are noones favorite classes. But if managed well, they can still be a great  experience.

4 What is your current major interest? Did this change over time? Explain if it did? Do you think that the courses you took to fulfil general education requirements were good? What would you change about the choices you made?

My major is Chemistry. I went into freshman year wanting to do Chem and then flitted around unsure and then took some fabulous concentration requirements and decided on Chemistry again. The organic chemistry classes I took at Harvard were the best classes I have ever taken. The teaching within departments is fabulous and even though they were introductory courses, they weren't big and the teachers were extremely dedicated to making us into chemists. The general education or "core" requirements I have taken have been great classes also! It all depends on what class you pick, and if you try you can usually find something that interests you and fulfills requirements.

5. Was the ratio of international students/total population an important criteria in your selection of schools? Did you feel trapped in any sort of bubble or clique? Did your perceptions about diversity change while you were in college?

I think having an international population is important not just because it provides you with a kind of support system, but because it ensures that the student body at large is used to the idea of foreign students and don't think of them as alien or strange. Its just easier for everyone :)

Rukmini Chatterjee's common app short activity answer on baking!

Instead of focusing on something unique, Rukmini chose to write about an activity that’s quite quotidian- baking. Nevertheless, her descriptive imagery and obvious passion for baking ultimately made her essay exceptional. 

Rukmini Chatterjee ‘ 14 Brown - wrote.

Bakers build constructs of fantasy and function. An ideal confection has a precise blend of infusion, texture and satisfying sweetness. Achieving this is not instantaneous. Many rainy afternoons fly by researching recipes: plan; prepare; review. On a quest for delectable dessert, I know I am running a race. Timing is crucial to success in all baking, be it pie, soufflé, pastry or cake. My eye remains resolutely on the clock. Efficient techniques rely on effort and dexterity. These variables form unique formulae. Tweaking proportions, I reinvent old favorites; explore flavors; create new recipes. I fuse the familiar with the foreign; I get a whiff of what's to come. Pour in the batter. Wait for the oven to work magic.

My kitchen: my laboratory. It has borne its fair share of explosions and exultation. Taking stock of my gastronomic catastrophes, I have found satisfaction in modifying failures into mouth-watering winners.

Sidharth Gupta, University of Southern California- an essay about an influential figure

Sidharth Gupta, University of Southern California

Sidharth picked up a song that many of us are familiar with. He used that to illustrate his deep attachment to music as well as his determination to stay true to his dreams.  

Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

When I first heard ‘Wish You Were Here’ by Pink Floyd, I never thought this song would become my life’s “mantra”, almost a rallying cry for my personal philosophy.

Five years ago, this was a love song for me, as it is for most people. After all, the first thing that comes to mind when someone sings “How I wish you were here” is a serenade! For a long time, loving the music and the words was enough for me. I never looked beyond the lyrics for any deeper meaning. Over time this became the first song which I completely related to, and the first which attained a deeper meaning in my life and the way I live it.

One emotional evening during a close friend’s farewell party, I sat with her father as he spoke about his life. He said he had a job and life he was happy with, but there was a hint of regret in his voice which indicated that he did not follow his dreams. When he was in college he was passionate about music, but that fell by the wayside as he pursued a successful corporate career.  He told me never to lose touch with my music. As I listened to him the words ringing in my head were “And did they get you to trade, your heroes for ghosts.”

That’s when I realized what this song meant, at least to me. I am challenged by Pink Floyd’s words “Did you exchange / a walk on part in the war / for a lead role in a cage?” I started thinking about who I was and what I wanted to be, and gradually became clear about the choices I should make.

Music is my passion, and always has been. Before truly ‘discovering’ this song, I took a lot of things for granted. I didn’t realize the pressures that I would face to do the normal things that everyone expects me to.  Today, I cherish every note that I play, and keep in mind the difference between my “heroes and ghosts”. I remember to be grateful to my heroes, everyone that inspired me to pursue my passion, and stay away from ghosts, the choices that are simply not suited for me.

From that day, each night I picked up my guitar, looked deep within myself and sang every word of this song. I have vowed never to make the mistake that most people make – try to be “successful” but give up the joy of chasing their dreams. The beginning of this song is played through an old radio, to represent the distance between the listener and music. As I listen to that part, I always wait eagerly for it to end because the thought of distance from music is almost unbearable.